Recently, I was reminded of the story of my precious son. Oh how precious he is to me! Even before he was born, I had an indescribable love for him. I think it’s this love that we experience as a parent that God uses to show us His own love that is unmeasurable for us! In the early weeks of my pregnancy, I experienced some trouble that made me scared. I was scared I may miscarry. I was scared that I may lose this child that I already loved so deeply.
We think that by worrying, we’re somehow effecting the outcome of a situation. We truly believe this. In our minds, we may think worrying is necessary, because by not worrying it may mean we don’t care. These are both lies we choose to believe when we are anxious or worrying.
In the tenderness of my trial, with a hurting, scared heart, I found myself literally on my knees, praying to God. I cried out to God asking Him to save my child. I asked Him to allow me to the pleasure of carrying this baby to full term. I asked him that nothing would be wrong with my child. I asked Him to allow me to hold my baby in my arms, and to tend to their every cry.
Do you know what I heard in return?
Will you trust me?
“Y…e…s… ummmm… well… can I? But what if this baby dies?”
Will you trust me?
“But what if there are medical problems that mean this child isn’t developing normally?”
Will you trust me?
“But what if I experience pain and hurt and sorrow?”
Will you trust me?
And so began the breaking of my will. My will to have the outcome I think is best. My will to have what I want. My will, yes, to eventually hold my healthy baby in my arms.
What God showed me that day was that this baby was not mine, it belonged to Him. The outcome of the situation belonged to Him. My heart needed to belong to Him. I was holding on to many things that weren’t mine. I thought they were mine. Like a selfish little toddler, I walked around saying, “mine, mine mine!” You cannot have it Lord, it’s mine! I don’t want to let go, it’s mine!
His arms of love wrap continually around me showing me that it is in my weakness, that his power is made complete. But when I don’t see my own weakness, He cannot display His power through my life. However, when I realize my weakness, and submit it to the Lord, the outcome is so beautiful!
My son was born 2 weeks early on May 8, 2003–a healthy baby boy, who we named, Jacob. They joy and thanksgiving in my heart was overwhelming because I knew that this little one was special. He was special because He belonged to the Lord. He had always belonged to the Lord, but I had let go of thinking that he belonged to me. I have the honor and privilege of raising him, of giving him unconditional love, of being the one he calls mom, and tending to his needs. Most importantly, I have the privilege of teaching him about a Savior who loves him very much. Much, much more than I ever will. But in the end, he is God’s. And I will not take claim. Not now, not later. God knows the number of his days; they were all written before even one of them came to be (Psalm 139:16). I love that!!
The Lord himself is our comfort in times of trouble. When we lack trust, we will experience fear, anxiety and worry.
Don’t miss this life changing lesson… fear and trust cannot reside together.
God has told me in his word over and over not to worry:
“Do not worry about tomorrow…”
“Be anxious for nothing…”
Worry is like being in chains, like being held in bondage. Instead, I will chose a steadfast mind that will trust Him–freed from the bonds of worry.
“When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3
I have always remembered this quote from a Jewish woman who survived the holocaust. She watched her beloved family murdered, right before her eyes. Her story is one of forgiveness. Her story has given so many people the example of how to forgive. This is what she said about worry:
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. –Corrie Ten Boom
Father, I give you my worry. I give it in exchange for your truth. I want to grow deeper in my trust. Thank you for allowing me suffering so that I may see you revealed in my life. Thank you for helping this stubborn heart learn the lessons you want me to learn. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the blessing of your three children.
